I haven’t felt much like writing. Everything is just…blah. I am not sure how much of the previous feelings are responsible for it, or if it’s just a general malaise caused by the crappy weather. Because the weather has certainly been crappy. Rain, sleet, wind, cold, warm, muggy, brisk, snow. All within the past 5 days. I guess that’s New England for you.
I have also been in a creative slump for so long it’s as if I never had any artisitc ability in me at all. Sure, I did a few layouts, but as far as I can see, they aren’t really creative. Just slapping some things together. I haven’t done a Poser image in over 4 months. And I still don’t even have any desire to. It’s like the IDEAS are there, somewhere below the surface, mocking me, just where I can’t get to them. And there are times when I’m not even sure I WANT to reach them. It doesn’t feel worth the effort.
These are the times when it starts to feel like anything is preferable to this endless pain and misery. Even death.

Never Enough
I’ve never been
sexy enough
funny enough
engaging enough
thin enough
good enough
for you.
Will I ever be
smart enough
brave enough
LOVED enough
to let you go?
Will I ever be
good enough
for ME?

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Categories: Miscellany


Catt · January 16, 2005 at 10:40 pm

OK, I’m sure this was just a beautiful expressive poem from a very creative person…and not a cry for help…right?
Pain and misery aren’t endless, in fact they are catalysts.
I’m sure you’ve got everything together and this is just a post. But on the off chance that you are hurting and feel like talking, I’d be happy to. Someone very close to me killed himself Dec. 30th of this year. It’d never an answer.
Hang in there! ANd if this was just a beautiful creative piece, I feel like a fool, and I enjoy it.

Mandi · January 16, 2005 at 11:20 pm

Hey girl ~ I hope you’re not serious. If it makes you feel better – I spent a good portion of this afternoon picking apart your tags so I could iron out some kinks in my own stylesheet! *not kidding* You are obviously very talented and I’m sure that the weather and boredom is just bringing you down. Keep your chin up!

Bitchitude · January 17, 2005 at 12:42 am

To quote your quote about being eerily accurate, “You are a retrospective soul…” Read, rinse, and repeat.
From what I’ve read (albeit briefly) through your blog, I think it probably fits you closely. Have confidence that life will perk back up, your creativity will reign again, and that “this too shall pass.” It’s just one of those downturns in life, but you’re strong-willed enough to get through it. Sometimes that damn sensitivity gets in the way – I know 🙂 Hang in there!
Pollyanna’s Sunshine pounding minion o’ the day. -B 🙂
PS thanks for stopping by again! Those damned invisible doors anyways!

RisibleGirl · January 17, 2005 at 10:33 am

Maybe it’s that time of year… I’ve been in a funk the last couple of weeks too. Hubby knows better than to even look at me funny, or else I’ll cry.
I can’t put my finger on it, don’t know what’s wrong really. I’m just sick of feeling like this. I hope we BOTH come out of this funk soon.

donyell · January 17, 2005 at 11:17 am

life is a series of ups and downs…
for me at least, i had to let go of my tendency to try to please others…too burdensome and ultimately futile as people often superimpose their image of you anyway….i also had to break out my circle and realize that there is a bigger world out there…and most frightening i had to make peace with myself–the way i acted, they things i said, the way i felt…i learned it was ok to just be me–some people would like me, others wouldn’t, but that it was ok and i would alright 😉

Bitchitude · January 22, 2005 at 3:47 am

Very well stated, Donyell!

Michelle · January 22, 2005 at 10:56 am

Hang in there Tricia!! You are an awesome person, and have lots of people cheering you on!! God Bless! *hugs*

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