The following is from a blog I have followed for a long time. She wrote this about two years ago, and, although I have taken the small liberty of paraphrasing it slightly to better fit my situation, it is mostly worded so perfectly that there was no way I could even think of to improve upon it.
THIS IS ME RIGHT NOW. THIS is where I have become stuck. No matter how much work on my self that I feel like I am doing/have done, I always seem to end up back in this place. I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN THIS PLACE ANYMORE.
If I’m not taking care of my family, cooking, cleaning, wiping asses, scolding fresh mouthed teenagers, crying my eyes out, doubting my potential, wondering where my life is going, talking myself off ledges, justifying my actions, backtracking, loathing myself, questioning my heart, mucking through other peoples bullshit, harboring resentments, wasting my day away, gaining weight I can never lose, overdosing on all things bad for me, mothering, silently missing what could have been, beating myself up, pouring my heart out, closing my self off, cloaked in self pity, perfecting my instability, apologizing my feelings away, breaking promises, getting in over my head, juggling way too many responsibilities, hiding my true intentions, avoiding the task at hand, running for the door, ignoring my inner child, tossing and turning, dreaming with my eyes open, needing a break, looking for a quiet corner to lose my mind in, pretending everything is just fine, being shown the door, denying the obvious, becoming unrecognizable to myself, and hanging on to the slivers of my former self…THEN WHO THE FUCK AM I?
Shakti · April 17, 2012 at 8:34 pm
I resemble this remark, But not. I am, as I’ve finally tweeted, in full-on mid-life crisis. Some days, I feel great. Other days, I’m sure the walls are closing in. I careen wildly from optimistic to pessimistic, never achieving equilibrium.
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