La Miserable

You know, there are times when I get really tired of being miserable and depressed so much. And I really try to do something about it, get something going for myself. Then it seems something else happens. And I can never quite get both feet on the ground. A lot of people tell me that I could, if I really tried. Maybe I could. But I DO try, and sometimes I feel as if people don’t believe me, or because they can’t SEE the progress going on inside my own mind, they assume that I am doing nothing. Or hey, maybe I am doing nothing, and I am only deluding myself.
The fact is, I am not, nor have I even been, a cheerful type of person. I am pessimistic. Since day one. How in the world do you go about changing a basic facet of your personality? It probably wouldn’t be so unbearable to other people if I had not had so much garbage happen on top of my naturally repressed personailty disorder. But I can’t help the things that I have happened to me, I can only deal with them as best I can and move onward.
All that being said, I realize that many many many times in my life there are so many good people around me, then after a while they just…drift off. Separate themselves from me. Leave me kind of on the outside. This has happened to me so many times that I know it is something to do with me. In my worst times, it’s because I am not good enough, I am not worthy, I don’t give enough, I don’t have enough, I am too much of a loser. In my better times I figure it’s because I tend to keep myself so self-contained. Not initiating contact a lot. Shying away from people when they reach out. Deliberately sabotaging relationships before they get to a certain point as a method of self-survival, so that I won’t get hurt again. I am too unhappy for most people. I don’t FEEL like I lean on people or demand sympathy, but it seems as though I come across in that manner, and of course people don’t want to deal with that. The only way I know of to not bother people in that way all the time is to distance MYSELF…which probably ends up making people think I don’t WANT to talk to them, or I am a bitch, or whatever it is that makes them back away from me as if I had the plague.
So…once again, I am asking myself…what can I do about this? I honestly, truly don’t know. I try to think of things to talk about with people, and I just get a blank. I am not interested in ‘net drama,’ I don’t care much for soap operas or celebrity issues or reality TV, my views on politics and religion are a bit out of the mainstream, so a lot of times I avoid talking about that, most of the books I read have never been read by the majority of people I talk to, same goes with movies and music. What’s left? I’ve been talking computer graphics a bit more now that I have been using Poser and Bryce, but I am not nearly knowledgeable enough to hold a lot of conversations about it.
The fact is I have managed to grow up with next to NO social skills. I rarely go in chat rooms anymore becuase I always manage to say something idiotic, I hardly ever initiate an IM conversation because I have no idea what to say after ‘Hi.’ Forget about in real life. I only really leave my house if it’s for a reason. I don’t really know my neighbors too well, and although I do respond when they initiate things, I feel like I am too boring or stupid to interest them. I’m always sitting in a corner somewhere practicing becoming invisible.
I have absolutely no idea who I am, what I want, where I am going, or even what the point of any of this is. I guess I am just really feeling my faults right now. You really find out how YOU act by judging the reactions around you when something not so nice happens to you. And I am not saying that people I already know haven’t been nice and kind, but it seems as if strangers or people I only speak to rarely are doing more rallying, and the people I always thought I felt closest to are just…on the periphery. Not that I need or want anyone to mollycoddle or fawn over me. I don’t. In fact, it makes me a bit uncomfortable…but I do have a nice glowy feeling inside that maybe someone DOES care. I haven’t had those feelings very often in my life. But even to have someone call me up and tell me a dirty joke, laugh with me…I could really use something like that right now.
I don’t know where I am meaning to go with all of this. What can anyone even say to me? It all has to come from within, right? But what if there isn’t enough within to begin with? Then where do you go? Where do you even start? How do you figure out who you even are when almost all of your life you have been told that who you are is not good enough, that you should be more like this one or that one? I don’t even know if there has been a time in my life when I have WANTED to be just who I am. And now I wonder if it is too late to learn. Maybe I am just meant to be alone in this world.