Disconnected

I did it again, huh? I mean to write, but the days just drift by aimlessly, like tufts of dandelion fluff in the breeze. I have been exhausted. Physically. Emotionally. Going to bed at 8:30 most nights. Idling on AIM, forgetting I even had the computer on. Still feeling tired in the morning. Antisocial. Escape-oriented. I don’t like when I start feeling this way. It usually means the beginning of a sharp downward spiral. I am not in any shape to fight one of those right now.
In any case, not too much has been going on. The kids already went trick-or-treating. Strange thing about this particular small town, they have arrangements to trick-or-treat on Sunday night from 5-7, usually before Halloween. It actually works out quite well for me this year though, since I have my parenting class on Thursday nights, and I am actually enjoying it, so I would have hated to miss it.
Donovan was Bob the Builder. Too darn cute. Gregory was something he found called the “Iron Man,” basically just a black robe and a mask that appeared to be made out of stone. Quite original amid all the endless Scream masks. It was chilly out on Sunday, but not unbearably so. There was a sense of community as we strolled down the street. Most people were outside on their porches or steps, awaiting the children. Donovan was SO excited, he kept strutting along, his bucket gradually dangling lower and lower beneath the mother lode of candy, yelling “Weet! Weet!” (Trick-or-treat, of course!) At one point, we passed a kid of about 6 or so, wearing a Michael Myers mask. Oh, man, that totally freaked poor Donovan out. He was shaking, and the whole time after that he would say, “Mask?” “No more mask, Donovan. It’s all gone.” “No mo mask?” “No, baby, it’s all gone.” “OK, all gone. Whew!” LoL….so funny what kids pick to be frightened of, because I KNOW he has never seen any of those movies before. But it WAS a pretty freakishly realistic-looking mask.
I also applied for school last Friday. Probably the singular most frightening thing I have done so far in my life. Even more scary than leaving my ex, I think. It’s not really the point of thinking I can get in, or being able to do the work if I DO get in. It’s more the financial aspect of it. I have some loans in default, where they have been for many years. I have been in denial about them, running away from dealing with them, terrified of them. And of course, they have been blocking all my efforts to better myself, so I avoid them even harder. Silly, I know, but it is so hard to overcome a defense mechanism that has been a lifetime in the making. I run away from everything. Relationships. Communication. Friends. Debt. So…trying again is costing me. And it might not even work out. I have been making tentative inquiries at the loan agencies, figuring out where my loans are now being held, that sort of thing. I really DO want to pay. But I am SO not good at double-talk, fast-talk, and all those other tricks debt collectors like to play. I am too honest. Too easily intimidated. Too willing to give up. Give in. Cave. I hate that about myself. Among other things.
Don’t know what my point is, other than I have been rather stupidly attempting to spare all of you, and myself as well, all of my negative emotions and the foul spillage of bitter words that drip out of my keyboard like acid tears. But the more I keep them inside, the more they burn my soul, the more they clamour to be let out in less savory ways, with caustic words and days full of irate feelings. Sometimes I feel like the feelings have no outlet, that they will just burn me from the inside out, until there is nothing left. And sometimes I want them to.