Racing Thoughts

Wow, I have been so busy I forgot when the last time I posted here was. Thank you SO much everyone who complimented my precious lil babies. 😀 Now, if only one of you would volunteer to take them off my hands for a few days…:LOL:
Busy with what, you ask? Well, nothing that would be PRODUCTIVE for me to be busy with. Messing around with graphics, planning on getting rid of most of my skins and starting over. Or not. I can’t seem to wrap my mind around the task long enough to actually get it DONE, but I have wasted many a pleasant hour doing so. Busy attempting to get back into the groove of being a “decent” mother. Meaning, going for walks, reading books, playing with play-doh and blocks and action figures and doing arts and crafts. I think my medication may just be leveling off a bit finally, because, although I am still quite exhausted, I am not falling asleep at the drop of a hat anymore, and doing some of the above activites doesn’t seem quite so taxing. I am still struggling a lot with the depression and anxiety, but I will give this medication a bit more time, I think.
I think it is especially difficult for me since this is really the first holiday season I have ever been COMPLETELY alone. No family, no partner, not too many friends, or at least none really close by. I feel angry, guilty, alone. Not exactly in keeping with the holiday spirit. I kind of wish the holidays would just creep by like a wraith in the night, barely noticable among the day-to-day monotony. But, alas, people in my neighborhood insist on having their lights on their houses already, and toy commercials on the television are out of control, and it’s not even Thanksgiving. It’s heartbreaking to hear Donovan watching those cool commercials and pointing and saying in his husky little baby voice, “I want that me! Wook(look)! Oh cool!” and knowing that I will be lucky if I can afford to buy him more than ONE thing this year. :huh: It’s probably even worse when Gregory says, “I really want that, Mom, but it’s OK if you don’t have the money to get it this year.”
I know I shouldn’t feel bad or guilty, but I guess you just can’t help your feelings. I want my kids to have everything, and so far I really haven’t given them anything. And I don’t necessarily mean material things, but that’s a part of it. And my brain just swims and races and ducks and dodges every time I try to sit and think about where I am going in this life, and what I am reaching for, and what I am planning for these boys. And I am so sick of feeling this way, but at the same time, it is familiar. Comfortable. And how does one begin an entire new way of thinking? Where is the starting point? I need a good witch Glinda to show me the beginning of my own personal yellow brick road. But we all know that life is not a big screen movie, but somehow, some way, we bumbling humans seem to continue to make it again and again. So therein lies the answer. At least, I hope so.